How to disarm your feelings

For the longest time, men have been told to suppress their feelings. Expression of them was considered an unacceptable sign of weakness.

As we’ve continued to evolve, the narrative has changed. Today, men are encouraged to share their feelings because of what seems like a generalized interest in greater connection and functionality. The reality is a total suppression of feelings is unlikely to lead to anything good.

But there’s still debate amongst the manosphere about what is acceptable expression, if such a thing actually exists. The answer is what my law school professors trained us to respond to near any question asked - it depends.

Personally, I’ve always been an anomaly as far as emotional intelligence and expression. I’ve joked to my friends that I am too in touch with my feelings. That’s not to say that they run my life, or that I swim in a puddle of emotion wherever I go, but I’ve always felt in touch with them in a way I’ve noticed my friends aren’t.

It doesn’t take much, whether a touching Instagram video or a focussed thought in my imagination, to get the tears rolling.

But as I’ve gotten older and more ambitious about my life, I have taken a keen interest in understanding how to manage my emotions.

A shallow dive into Stoic philosophy over the last couple of years primed me to come up with the operating system I use today. Quotes like

have helped me conjure this framework.

It’s best explained with an analogy, inspired by the great deal of time I’ve spent with my two year old nephew.

When we’re young, our mothers are our regulation system - a much needed one, as we start out more ape than human.

When toddlers start to throw things at people, mom uses different methods to dissuade, correct, and eliminate the behavior. Throwing things at people is unkind, and eventually illegal, which means it is non-conducive to being a participant and welcome member of society.

As adults, our emotions are much like throwing balls at people when we were toddlers - sometimes appropriate, sometimes not.

A real world example:

Once in a while I get a deep feeling of isolation and loneliness during my travels around the world. This usually happens after I’ve made the rare connection with someone, only to have our paths quickly diverge.

On the one hand, I want to recognize those feelings as real, but on the other, I can’t allow them to paralyze my day-to-day.

This is where radicalized recognition, assessment, and agency comes in for the rescue.

First, I feel the feels. I allow them to be fully understood, all the way to their core.

Why might I feel such a way? In this case, I have lead a life over the last year and a half that has minimized the chances of building connection with people. As a result, I live in a deficit. When the rare person comes along who triggers those dormant emotions, it’s powerful - connection being maybe the most important thing in our human lives. And so when that person disappears, it hurts more than would be the case for someone who has more opportunities to build connection. It is therefore an understandable and reasonable way to feel, given both my human nature and circumstances.

Second, I view them as a problem to solve. Once the emotions have been understood, dived into, and felt - it’s time to move on. I’m not going to allow the emotions to sit and stew, affecting my mood and resulting life. If they don’t contribute towards my desired state of being, or offer the impetus for an actual change to be made, they have to go.

And on the topic of change, can I solve the underlying problem that triggered the emotion? In this case, the answer is no. My current life cannot change in a way that would allow me to enhance my opportunity for meaningful sustained connection. I can tap into the connections I already have via phone calls back home, or make more of an effort to connect with people around me. But overall, it’s part of the sacrifice required to strive for the life I want.

Which is fine, because most of the time I don’t feel those emotions. I’m usually in a rhythm of being alone. I might thinkabout my current state, but I don’t feel it - huge difference. Unless I meet someone, nothing triggers the shift.

Since the emotions has been deemed unsolvable at the current juncture, the only thing to do is allow them to fully pass. The best way to do that is to do - to be active, to explore, to get out of my room and go outside. Misery loves nothing more than the indoors.

From life experience, I know that any emotion will pass with sufficient time and appropriate input. Whether it be getting outside, work, calling a friend, gym, meditation, or journaling - there are tangible actions that can drive a change in mood.

As for the residual, the little bits of feelings that don’t go away so easily as I might like… that’s life. We can strive to be the greatest Stoics of all time, but unless we dedicate ourselves to the practice of internal regulation like an actual monk, we’re unlikely to be able to so readily cast away human feelings.

And that is okay, because they will pass.

No matter how difficult circumstances may feel, there is a tried and tested, millennia old solution.

Disarmament of emotions is the way to feel your feels, but not have them disrupt your life.

Sincerely,

Jacob

P.S. It was a girl…